as i sit here and listen to the words of artists i realize that i’m never going to have the ability to feel so strongly about a subject or a person to come up with the words they do. my words are insignificant and meaningless. sure, i’m creative in some aspects of my life, but what is creativity without passion? my days are filled with deep thoughts, but most of them are about how i’m never going to be good enough to amount to anything. how i’m probably going to end up alone. how the only person who really cares is my best friend, and even sometimes i feel like it’s questionable how much she really cares. even though i’m not passionate most of the time, i feel strongly enough to write about this subject, one that really matters: nikki.
i know she does her best, and things haven’t really been the same, and she says it’s going to change, but is it wrong that deep down i really don’t think it will? how i think that every line of depression she writes is directed toward me, even though it probably isn’t? how i think she’s reaching out to me, wanting me to save her, but really knowing that i can’t, but she still does it anyway just to make sure.
well i’m sorry, but i can’t save you, nik. you’ve already given up on yourself. your mind- the mind i adored so dearly- is dead. this has been going on for quite some time and i don’t know how to fix it. we’ve discused on multiple occasions how you’re going to try to start being the way you were, but you can’t rewind time. you can never be the person you were in the past, because the past you didn’t have the experiences that make the present you…well, you.
don’t think that i’m complaining again, because i’m not. you just said you needed to know how i feel. and honestly i haven’t been trying as hard as i could be to reach out to you. sometimes i don’t like to talk to you because i feel like i’m talking to a fake nikki. not the one i decided to make my best friend forever, the one i promised forever to. regardless, i’m going to be there forever. i just don’t know what to say anymore. i don’t know how to talk to you. there’s a barrier in our communication and it’s killing me more and more each day.
i love you nikki. and fake nikki, when you see the old nikki, tell her i miss her dearly and to come back soon, because not only did we fit together so perfectly like two puzzle peices, our minds were linked in a bond that was the most powerful love i’ve ever felt and i would give everything just to have that back again.
